Time to read : 7 Minutes
Abusive relationships are much more common than we think. According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics one in four women over the age of 15 suffer from a form of abuse.
The abuse can be physical, psychological, financial or all of them, and it impacts every part of the victim's life. They often end up homeless, in debt, or worse, dead.
Vicky* is just one of the victims, here is her story.
My father lost all our money, but my mum was good with it
I was never “good” with money.
My mum, she’s incredible with it. She raised my sisters and I on a single low income and paid her house off to retire early.
We learnt the value of time over money but also the value of hard work. We were always encouraged to juggle multiple jobs and have a good work ethic.
She use to always tell us to have our own savings account no matter what, after my father gambled all of their money away.
I wish I had paid attention to Mum's financial advice
I never listened close enough, naively thinking that I’d be safe always because I was creative and I'd be happy to take up work if I needed it.
I went from having everything to nothing twice in my life – at 26 I had a really successful career, a wonderful relationship and my own place... to a chronic illness and moving in with my mum.
But – I still didn’t learn my lesson fully.
After I recovered I threw my self into my passion for traditional health – and I spent thousands on courses. I also began to build my health business knowing it would all be worth it.
Hand-on-heart, I thought he was the ONE
I entered a relationship with *Tim at 29 and I thought he was going to be the “perfect love of my life.”
Even at the beginning, there were red flags that I just waved off... money was one of them. He earned a lot, and didn’t save a lot. He would spend so much on things like clothes, nights out – and – silly, new shiny big toys, you can imagine.
In a strange way, it gave me this fake sense of security. Thinking that all this stuff meant we were secure and had nothing to worry about.
And you know, what? We were happy for many years, but now I know that I was never fully myself with him – but I blamed that on myself, believing I had my own issues to sort out.
I just didn't have a lot of confidence or self worth – he was my everything.
Then Covid hit, and everything fell apart
Just before Covid hit I took a plunge and signed a lease for my own traditional health clinic. It was terrible timing.
I had decided to move the business out of home because Tim thought it was "too hard" on him for me to work from home.
So I handed over a few thousand for my new place as an investment in our future. I knew we had some savings together and I thought that my multiple income streams would keep us safe.
When the lockdown kicked in, like so many others, the BIG cracks in our relationship turned into deep gorges.
I felt trapped and I didn't know how to get out.
Suddenly, I was earning nothing
First I couldn’t do my jobs. None of them were allowed. I was earning $0.
At the same time, Tim's work as an arborist (a tree pruner or advisor) boomed because people were stuck at home and wanting to make their homes and gardens more beautiful.
He went from earning what I was in a week in three days, to earning more than that a day, six days a week.
Looking back now, I wish I had had a benchmark.
A benchmark for what is allowed in relationship – clear lines about what is expected and needed from each other. Especially in times of trouble.
This is how it should have been:
If one of us can’t work and the other can, then that person looks after the other.
That even when times are hard, that we would still treat one another with respect and kindness.
We would stay faithful to one another in all things. No secrets, in money or love.
That’s team work.
Our power dynamic shifted to HIM
When I lost all my work and money – I felt deflated, worried, grief for my business, my clients, my students.
I scrambled to get some work, keep myself active, come up with other ways to keep my business going online.
But as I struggled, he thrived, and the power in our relationship completely shifted.
He used to be the one struggling and I would always be there managing his needs – being there to talk to, making sure he had healthy food, forgiving and understanding of his addictions.
I kept my needs small, giving all I had to him.
Now I saw he gave nothing back.
There was money everywhere
I started finding cash in chunks... he would tell me it was for cash jobs...
But I started to realise he always had more money, even before Covid, I just never saw how much Tim* spent.
His addictions became worse too.
Before lock down he would get home a few hours before me, I always presumed he was just chilling at home.
But during Covid it became apparent that he wasn't on the couch in the afternoons... He was spending cash on women or drinking or porn.
When I started asking questions, he started gaslighting me. I felt like I was going crazy. Nothing felt real any more.
And then it got worse
He was spending thousands in the afternoon, and anytime I brought it up or how I was struggling with the Covid changes and stress, he would get angry.
Tim would yell, “I am paying for a roof over my head now so should just be grateful.”
I was expected to have the house spotless every day and dinner on the table and keep my mouth shut.
The more he had no place to hide things from me the more he lied.
The shift was like a bullet train. Had I been dreaming these past nine years?
It went from unhealthy to toxic to down right abusive.
And I couldn’t even cry because I could hardly breathe.
I don't know why I didn't ask for help
In my head I know I could have told so many people – I know they would have gotten me out even in lockdown, but I was completely frozen, and looking back in shock.
I felt exhausted- unable to sleep or eat, I was walking on eggshells every day.
My body fell apart – I got cold sores, stomach ulcers, broke out in acne, my hair fell out, I got chronic pain so bad that I couldn’t walk and I lost a lot of weight – which only made things worse because he liked woman with curves.
It was just another reason for him to treat me like s**t.
When I finally managed to get some work with my business online and the government payments came through – he said I had to pay back rent. And I did, I put is all in our saving account for him.
I blamed myself for it all – I tried to help him, love him.
And, then it was over
When everything opened up again it was so bizarre – we couldn’t go back to before, the damage was done.
I gravitated towards things that made me happy – teaching, seeing family, work, and I got myself a new new clinic and the more confidence I got, the madder he became.
I realised I had to leave him. I had to choose myself.
The minute I decided to leave he picked up on it, and those piles of cash were no longer around, and neither was Tim – he would go out all night, all the next day and never text.
I had planned to work hard, save for a few months and leave as soon as I had enough to set myself up.
But the abuse became so bad I had to literally had to get myself out of there. I just left one night, and slept in my car.
That’s when I started telling people.
When I went to get half of our savings out there was nothing there – he had spent it on a new motorbike, new tools, new clothes, and thousands of it paying for women.
All that was left was a few hundred dollars and my guilt and shame.
I was 39 and I had nothing. I ended up in hospital with severe stomach ulcers. I lost 16kgs in the space of 10 weeks. I could hardly touch my body it felt so different. But I had to keep working because I had to survive.
I just had to pick myself up and rebuild
My family and friends were finally able to help me because I let them.
He spread lies about me, telling our mutual friends that I just used him for money, and worse.
With my mum's help of a bond and deposit, I was able to rent my own place, close to my clinic. I set it all up with $200 – everything was second hand or from clean ups or free on marketplace. Once my place was set up – as bright as I could make it, I finally felt safe.
It gave me something positive to focus on while I tried to extricate myself from his life.
And instead of the usual dread of coming home to him, I had my new place where I could finally begin to recover.
I cried, I screamed, I even ran some nights just to send all the anger and guilt – often at 1am. I danced. I started eating and sleeping better.
If I got out, you can, too
The truth is I am still recovering but I have hope again.
I've paid my mum back, and I can cover my two rents (clinic and home). I now get myself good food, go out with friends and I buy myself flowers too. I’ve also set up a savings account – for emergencies, for me.
The biggest lesson I have learnt in all of this is that self worth matters.
My late pop use to say to me every time he saw me “wow you look a million dollars.” Now I tell myself “I’m worth a million dollars”... and it’s never about a figure to me it’s a feeling.
I am free at last, and I have made it out. And, I want to tell anyone going through that same thing, that you can too.
You, can.
You are not alone
Finally, if you're feeling stressed, helpless or anxious, reach out for help, whether that's friends and family, your GP and support services. Here's a few useful numbers if you need to speak to somebody. Help is out there!
Respect (National helpline for domestic, family and sexual violence counselling): 1800 737 732.
National Debt Line: 1800 007 007.
Life Line: 13 11 14.
Suicide Call Back Service: 1300 659 467.
HeadSpace: 1800 650 890.
